Sexual Harassment Training Seminars
You go to great lengths to protect your business and its
assets: state-of-the-art security system, anti-virus and
firewall protection for your digital data, and careful
accounting procedures for your cash flow. But what kind of
steps have you taken to protect yourself and your business
from the tragic losses that could arise from a sexual
harassment lawsuit? Ignorance of the law and the risks
associated with sexual harassment could pose a more serious
threat to the future of your company than a catastrophic IT
failure. Sexual harassment is not only morally wrong, it is
against the law, and it could cost you plenty. Our
Sexual Harassment
Training seminar will teach you everything you need to
know to avoid such a disaster.
Speaking Up: How to Be More Assertive
What Does It Mean To Be Assertive?
Let's start by defining what it is not. Being assertive does
not mean being aggressive. Assertive behavior is not
hostile, blaming, threatening, demanding, or sarcastic.
Assertiveness differs from aggression in that standing up
for yourself does not trespass on the rights of others.
Assertiveness means communicating what you want in a clear
manner, respecting your own rights and feelings and the
rights and feelings of others.
Being assertive is an honest and appropriate expression of
one's feelings, opinions, and needs. Assertiveness is also
often associated with positive self-esteem and a better
self-image.
Gender Roles and Assertiveness
According to Dr. Linda Tillman, a licensed Clinical
Psychologist and founder of SpeakUpForYourself.Com, "our
culture still supports men in aggressive behavior and women
in deferent behavior. So men who are afraid to speak up may
express themselves aggressively and women who are afraid to
speak up may put aside their wishes to please the other
person." Take for example the wife who does not defend
herself against her sister-in-law's put-downs because she
knows how important family harmony is to her husband. She is
allowing herself to be stepped on in the best interest of
her husband and is ignoring her own best interests.
Why Don't People Stand Up For Themselves?
"Most of our personal styles are established when we are
very young," says Dr. Tillman.
"If your parents were rigid and controlling, then you may
have felt invalidated so much as a child that now you are
afraid to
speak up. If you were taught that it is good manners to be
focused on the other person and not on yourself, then you
may feel that it is not okay for you to ask for what you
want." She adds. Read any popular woman's magazine and
invariably someone will ask how she can get what she wants
from her husbands in the bedroom. The answer is usually,
"Don’t be afraid to just ask for what you want." However, a
lot of women are afraid to ask for what they want,
especially when it comes to sex. Most women are raised to be
"good girls" who aren't supposed to think about sex, much
less talk about it. This can leave many women feeling
unsatisfied and frustrated in their sexual relationships.
Dr. Tillman points out that assertiveness and low
self-esteem are linked. "Low self-esteem can affect
interaction in two different ways," she says. "A person who
feels bad about him/herself, may find it hard to feel the
confidence needed to speak up. On the other hand, if a
person has low self esteem, he/she may be aggressive- like
the Wizard of Oz, 'I am Oz the Great and Terrible'- when
he/she is just a scared little person."
Take the department manager who routinely has harsh words
for her department's team members. Even going so far as to
call them "stupid" and standing over them as they make the
necessary corrections. Her team members know that she is
frustrated at not being promoted to the next managerial
level and they know why. While the department manager thinks
she is being assertive by being honest about her feelings,
she is scared to admit to herself that it is her own
behavior that is holding her back and not the department's
performance.
Furthermore, people avoid being assertive because they are
afraid of displeasing others and of not being liked.
However, not asserting yourself can make you feel taken
advantage of and damages your self-esteem. For example, not
asking for that raise because you have a hard time asking
for money not only makes you feel bad about yourself but as
if you aren’t in control of your financial future. You may
even tell yourself that if your employer valued you, they'd
offer you a raise, which leads you to doubt yourself and
your abilities even more. In essence, this cycle of low
self-esteem makes you feel like a powerless victim of your
employer.
Moreover, even if you aren't aware of your non-assertive
behavior other people are. Non-assertive behavior can hurt
your career because people won't take you or your abilities
seriously. If, during staff meetings for example, you
constantly allow yourself to be interrupted, the higher-ups
may perceive this lack of assertiveness as a reflection of
your abilities, regardless of how competent you actually
are.
Powerless Communication
"A major nonverbal way women unconsciously communicate
powerlessness is by letting their tone of voice rise at the
end of the sentence. The words float up as if they were
attached to a helium balloon," Dr. Linda Tillman points out.
"Something that should be a statement then sounds like a
question and therefore sends a message that she is unsure
about what she is saying," Linda continues.
We've all heard other people doing this. And it does make
them sound as if they are unsure of themselves and robs them
of credibility. Are you guilty of it as well? If so, how can
you stop doing it?
"To make such a statement sound powerful, make a conscious
effort to drop your voice tone at the end of the sentence as
if a choir director were in front of you, bringing your
voice down," Dr. Tillman suggests.
"This minor nonverbal change makes a major change in
effectiveness," Dr. Tillman adds.
What else do women do to sabotage their power? A woman will
often start her sentence by saying, "I'm sorry…(but I
disagree with you)."
According to Dr. Tillman, "apologizing unnecessarily is a
verbal indicator of inner powerlessness." What she is
actually saying is, "I'm sorry for having a thought, but I'm
going to share it with you anyway," which removes most of
the effectiveness of the statement, " Dr. Tillman says.
How do you change this behavior?
"Apologize only when you've done something wrong," Linda
advises. "If you spill coffee on someone's lap, then it is
appropriate to say, "I'm sorry."
How Do You Become More Assertive?
1. Develop a value and belief system, which allows you to
assert yourself. In other words, give yourself permission to
be angry, to say "No," to ask for help, and to make
mistakes. Avoid using tag questions. ("It's really hot
today, isn't it?"), disclaimers ("I may be wrong, but…"),
and question statements ("won’t you close the door?") all
lessen the perceived assertiveness of speech.
2. Resist giving into interruptions until you have completed
your thoughts. (Instead, say - "Just a moment, I haven't
finished.")
3. Stop self-limiting behaviors, such as smiling too much,
nodding too much, tilting your head, or dropping your eyes
in
response to another person's gaze.
4. When saying "No," be decisive. Explain why you are
refusing but don’t be overly apologetic.
5. Use "I want" or "I feel" statements. Acknowledge the
other
person's situation or feelings followed by a statement in
which
you stand up for your rights. E.g., "I know you're X, but I
feel…"
6. Use "I" language (this is especially useful for
expressing negative feelings.) "I" language helps you focus
your anger constructively and to be clear about your own
feelings. For example:
When you do (Behavior)
The effects are (Results)
I feel (Emotion) Remember: Stick to the first person, and
avoid "you are".
7. Maintain direct eye contact, keep your posture open and
relaxed, be sure your facial expression agrees with the
message, and keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice.
8. Listen and let people know you have heard what they said.
Ask questions for clarification.
9. Practice! Enlist the aid of friends and family and ask
for feedback. Tackle less anxiety-evoking situations first.
Build up your assertiveness muscle. Don’t get discouraged if
you behave non-assertively. Figure out where you went astray
and how to improve your handling of the situation next time.
Reward yourself each time you've pushed yourself to be
assertive regardless of whether or not you get the desired
results.
Dr. Tillman also suggests using "successive approximation",
a psychological term referring to trying to go part of the
way toward a goal. "For example, if it is difficult to speak
up, try saying just one assertive statement. When you have
accomplished that, then the next opportunity, try saying two
assertive statements, " She explains.
"Each practice opportunity is also an opportunity to feel
good about yourself for speaking up and feeling good about
yourself is a step toward building self esteem," Dr. Tillman
concludes.
By Edel Jarboe
